Here are my reflections on having read the article published in The Guardian last week.
Going no contact with family is a big deal. It’s often sensationalised within media or films as being incredibly dramatic. Doors slam, voices raised, silence for years. Big emotional reunions. But in my experience, becoming estranged isn’t generally speaking something that happens overnight. As a therapist, and someone who has experienced estrangement myself, I am somewhat aware of the many complexities and nuanced choices surrounding this very difficult experience. Many people are estranged from family, and grapple with the idea of going no contact for a long time before taking action that can feel quite drastic to many.
The Guardian article is centred around questions that you could ask yourself if this is something that you are considering, and I wanted to share the ones that struck me as most important. I think it’s really important to note that everybody’s situation is very different and that all of these scenarios can be incredibly emotive; if you are struggling and would like to reach out for help, you can do so here.
I potentially lean towards the question that they’d actually put last, which is “do I feel safe” – I can only ponder on the idea that feeling unsafe, be physically or emotionally over time, is often a starting point or triggering feeling that starts the process of estrangement when family members are unwilling or unable to make changes.
You may find yourself in therapy long before this happens, and I think this is especially important when people are starting to feel this way, especially in scenarios where there are high levels of risk, instability, coercion or abuse.
What is bringing you to consider no contact? Difficult feelings or a need for healing?
A part of me wonders if they started the article with the question “am I avoiding difficult feelings?” to provoke people to read more, but it’s also true that it is important to be sure that you aren’t walking away because it feels easier than addressing the things that are incredibly challenging. They did follow this with a quote from Joshua Coleman, which was more reassuring: “Sometimes estrangement is exactly what’s needed for safety and healing…”. There are so many reasons why you may be thinking about cutting off a family member, and I believe that each individual reaches that point in their journey often because things have become too painful to continue.
Perhaps you are trying to find ways to carry on, or have tried working on things on your own and are now considering finding support, or someone to talk to and explore your options.
From there, the idea of challenging what that relationship looks like may bring the question of limiting contact, and with this question of whether limiting contact was enough within their article, they quoted another counsellor called Becca Bland, who suggests considering “what your window of tolerance” is, and I think this is often something you may want to consider with support. Being able to talk through where you’re at, how contact is, and what’s impacting you can be really helpful. It may be the overtime; when bringing your relationship with a family member up in session, you begin to notice patterns or behaviours that you are not able to tolerate, reconcile or communicate through. Sometimes having somebody else hear your experience and saying it out loud can be the thing that brings your challenges out into the open. Sometimes it is possible to find ways to work around difficulties, but everybody has different levels of tolerance- what one person can put to the side, another may find to be too much.
Who will you lean on for support?
One of the other questions within the article was around the idea of having support. I think having professional support for me, as an individual, was instrumental in feeling strong enough to maintain no contact and break a very unhealthy cycle.
For so many people, having a limited support network can be a factor in continuing to try and work on relationships that leave you feeling at times belittled, neglected and unloved. There are so many reasons why we still feel that pull towards damaging family relationships. The patterns of attachment are long established. We may not have the confidence to break away, or we’re dependent on having their approval, or desperately would like to have it. This is such a huge part of our life: who we see ourselves as, and our sense of self. It’s not always as simple as just breaking away and moving on, and it takes huge amounts of courage and determination to decide that we don’t have to tolerate poor behaviours, maltreatment or abuse from the people who are supposed to love us. And there’s so much more to it than can really go into one small blog post. Making a choice that means our well-being is more protected with our contact isn’t an easy one, or one made on the spot. If this is something you are considering, I can imagine that it’s something that has grown over time. Developing other support systems and strategies can help to enrich your life and prepare you for the isolation that you may be anticipating. This idea of isolation is also touched on within the article. In my experience, there can be some fear around the idea of going it alone. You may be worried about being cast out or having others turned against you. Having support can help mitigate your feelings and provide you with a space to reflect on it all.
How will you cope with not being on the ‘inside’ anymore?
Something that felt really important within this article was the question “How will I cope with ‘what ifs’? – The idea that you are no longer part of the chain of communication for certain things if you go no contact, the loss of privileges that would have been a given if you’d maintained contact. You may not know about certain life events, milestones or illnesses. For some, this means you may not even know if they die, depending on the level of contact maintained with others/if news is passed along. It really is a lot of uncertainty to live with. Not only do you process losing the relationship, but also all these other ties and potentially other links.
You can grieve losing that sense of belonging, and I think having support around you, whether professionally or through friendships and other relationships, is really important. I also wonder whether wider society considers this when it casts judgment on those who are no longer part of their family systems. I’m aware that so many people feel a sense of shame or pressure to fix things that aren’t always theirs to fix. Perhaps this is something that you have felt too.
So many different feelings, but what do you need?
Estrangement brings up so many different emotions – fear, grief, anger, displacement, unmet needs. On reflection, I guess the biggest question of all for many people who are trying to figure out where to turn next at the fork in the road of family relationships is exactly that: “What do I need?” Exploring what you need from yourself, from others, from relationships, and trying to find a way forward. Being able to accept what is possible and what isn’t, and what sometimes can never be. There can be great sadness, and also great freedom in taking steps that allow you to feel a sense of freedom. Freedom from trying to make something happen that is outside of your control, and also freedom in recognising what is and isn’t within your control.
There is so much more that I could write about on this topic, and perhaps I will revisit it in another blog post.
For now – if this has resonated with you and you’d like to explore your own family dynamics or feelings about childhood or relationships, and you think I’d be a good fit, don’t hesitate to book a call. I’d love to hear from you.
Further Reading:
Becca Bland: Runs a charity for estranged adults: standalone.org.uk
Joshua Coleman: joshuacoleman.org
The Guardian Article: Click here