What is inner child work? And what if the idea makes you cringe?
Inner child work might sound a bit out there, maybe even a little bit cringe. I’ll admit, when someone first mentioned talking to my inner child, I probably recoiled a bit! But if you can keep an open mind, it can be interesting to wonder whether a younger version of you didn’t always feel cared for, safe, loved or reassured. (Or maybe they did, and you’re simply curious. That’s a fine place to start too.) Giving yourself the space to be curious about what that younger you needed can be a restorative and comforting experience for some people.
What is the “inner child”?
It’s not a cartoon version of you, a tiny person living inside you, or an alter ego. It’s a metaphor for the younger versions of yourself, the you who was growing up, who you might still carry with you today. We go through so many versions of ourselves as we grow and change. Like an onion, there are layers, and the layers from childhood might still be part of how you think, feel and respond as an adult.
Sometimes, part of the work in therapy is peeling back those layers and looking at who you were back then, and what you needed. You might find it helpful to be curious about which needs went unmet, and whether any patterns in your life now could be ways of trying to get those needs met differently.
When working with clients, this is a collaborative process. You might notice something and find it useful. Other times it might not resonate, and that’s okay. I follow my clients’ lead, go where it feels right for them, and leave the rest. I’d only suggest an inner child lens if it seems right for that person, based on what’s coming up in session.
What kind of thing might come up in inner child work?
Sometimes a client shares an experience linked to childhood, and it can be helpful to picture yourself there, to connect with what it felt like. You might notice whether those feelings echo how things feel now, or whether there have been other times you’ve felt like that.
If you were to picture yourself as a child in your mind’s eye, I wonder what age you’d go to instinctively? You don’t need an answer. Whatever comes up, or nothing at all, is okay.
If you’re curious about exploring this in your own time, you might be interested in my Mini Date With Your Inner Child workbook. It’s a printable collection of self-paced exercises for adults, which you can do by yourself. It’s not a replacement for therapy, but it might be a gentle way to start getting to know the younger you with a bit more kindness. Start with a lighter memory, and stop whenever you like.
Research has found an association between self-compassion and lower levels of depression, anxiety and stress (MacBeth and Gumley, 2012). It’s a link to lower levels, but everyone is different, so it can’t guarantee it.
Try this now (about 5 minutes)
Grab a pen and some paper, or use your notes app, and see what comes up for these. There are no right answers, and you can skip any of them.
- If you pictured yourself as a child, what age comes to mind, and what are they doing?
- What do you notice about them? You could think about what they’re wearing, what their face looks like, or where they are.
- If you could say one kind thing to them, what might it be?
- What do you notice in your body as you ask yourself these?
Start with a lighter or ordinary memory, not the hardest one. If it starts to feel like too much, you can stop, put your feet flat on the floor, look around and name five things you can see. You can come back to it another day, or not at all.
What if you want support working through childhood experiences?
If you’d prefer to talk things through with someone, I offer online sessions for clients across the UK, and in-person sessions in Rayleigh and Southend-on-Sea in Essex. Sessions are generally weekly to begin with, with no limit on how many you have. The work moves at your pace, so you’re not rushed to talk or to get things out quicker than you’re ready to. You might find this helpful if you’d like to build a relationship in therapy that gives you time and space to process, feel safe and work on things gradually. You can book a free intro call at a time that works for you using the button below.
If you’re struggling right now, Samaritans are free on 116 123, any time.
Source: MacBeth, A. and Gumley, A. (2012) Exploring compassion: a meta-analysis of the association between self-compassion and psychopathology, Clinical Psychology Review, 32(6), pp. 545 to 552.
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