What is childhood emotional neglect? What is this term, and what would it look like as an adult to start realising that you might have experienced it in your early life? When the term “neglect” is used, it can feel a little scary, overwhelming, or harsh, but when I use it, I mean that a need was not met frequently. This is beyond parents simply being human and making mistakes – as all parents do!
Childhood emotional neglect (CEN) happens when a parent or carer repeatedly fails to respond to a child’s emotional needs. This consistent failure to meet needs results in a lack of recognition, validation, or response to a child’s emotions. This lack of response can teach children that their feelings aren’t relevant, important and that they don’t matter.
Examples of childhood emotional neglect:
Childhood emotional neglect might manifest in several ways:
- Emotional Presence: Your parents may have been physically present but emotionally absent, failing to engage with you or provide comfort when you sought it. For instance, if you wanted a hug, they might have brushed you aside or ignored your connection attempts.
- Lack of Praise and Encouragement: You may have missed out on positive reinforcement, such as praise or encouragement for your accomplishments, which can create a sense of unworthiness.
- Invalidation of Emotions: If you were upset or expressing strong feelings, you might have been told that you were too emotional or “too sensitive.” Phrases like “drama queen” or “big girl’s blouse” can make a child feel invalidated.
- Neglecting Interests: Your interests might have been overlooked, with little discussion or support from your parents regarding your social development or achievements.
- Conditional Love: Conversely, your parents may have only focused on your achievements, whether academically, in sports, or in other activities. This can lead to the perception that love is conditional on your success, rather than being offered unconditionally.
Recognising emotional neglect in adulthood
Sometimes, as a child, you don’t know anything different other than what you know. You literally don’t know what you don’t know, right? But as life continues to expand as an adult, you see more of the world, and begin to meet other friends and their families and potentially start to get a sense that other people have had a very different experience from the one that you’ve had. This can often be the first time that you start to feel something isn’t quite right.
Or even as a young person, when you don’t feel loved, supported or good enough. There will be times for all of us, where parents miss the mark, or don’t get it quite right, but there is a difference between a time or two that didn’t get it, and a consistent or chronic lack of attunement.
The effects of emotional neglect are long-lasting. You might notice it in yourself as an adult in lots of different ways; there might be a disconnect between your own experiences and your feelings – a sense of numbness or inability to pinpoint exactly how you do feel. When you’ve not had much connection to your emotions in your childhood, it can be hard to navigate that internal world of feelings.
You might find yourself with some people-pleasing behaviour, where you find yourself looking after everybody else’s emotions, as feeling needed can replicate the feeling of belonging or being cared for. The downside of this is that you can end up falling to the bottom of the priority list. Never really attending to your own wants or needs because you’ve become so good at putting everyone else first instead!
Does this sound familiar?
Do you find yourself dismissing the importance of “feeling your feelings”? Do you put on a façade for the world, masking your true emotions?
Have you struggled in relationships, with food, at work, or with substances? Do you find it challenging to express your emotions or feel less confident than you wish?
These adaptations are common after potentially traumatic experiences, and they can significantly impact your life.
If this is resonating for you, there’s a free guide you can download here.
Where do you go from here?
Childhood emotional neglect can often be recognised later in life, and it’s totally okay to seek support for it. Therapy sessions can be really helpful because they give you a supportive space to explore your thoughts and feelings. It’s great to have someone who is there just for you. Listening, guiding, and helping you learn how to navigate things like coping strategies and communication skills. You might find it uplifting to discover how to be kinder and more accepting of yourself!
If you notice that your childhood experiences are affecting your current relationships, individual therapy or couples counselling can be a great option. A therapist can be a wonderful support in helping you understand and express your emotions, especially if you’ve been keeping them bottled up for a long time. Remember, your feelings are valid and important! Embracing them can be a journey, but one worth taking.
If you’d like to start that journey, get in touch for a chat using the button below. If I’m not the right fit for you, I’ll help you to find someone who is.