Have you lost yourself in being busy? Like many women, perhaps you’ve found yourself in adulthood feeling pulled in every direction and unsure of which way you’re meant to be going. With all the different expectations on you – work, relationships, motherhood, friendships, fitness, health – how are you possibly meant to stay grounded?
You may have found yourself wondering, “Where did I go in all of this?” or “Who am I now?”
I wanted to write this blog post to share some gentle ways to start reconnecting with yourself. It’s something that often gets explored in and outside of the therapy room.
Why do we lose ourselves?
With modern life being ever-changing, so many of us are juggling multiple roles simultaneously, without clear pathways from A to B. Life is moving faster than ever, and the transitions of identity take place in the blink of an eye; from career changes, motherhood or relationships in a landscape of digital dating, swiping right and virtual ghosting! It feels so hard to keep up with everything. With things moving so fast on every single front, it makes sense that you might struggle to find steady ground. How can you feel a sense of permanence when the world is spinning around you like this?
Before this shift, there were generational expectations about how life should unfold at specific times. However, these expectations are changing, leading to significant transformations in how life can be experienced. With these changes come uncharted territories and a sense of uncertainty, as many parents and elders have not navigated this new path. Consequently, there is often a lack of guidance, which can leave you feeling unstable or unsure.
Mental Health UK conducted a Burnout report, with 91% of the adults surveyed reporting high or extreme levels of stress, and women (94%) were more likely to experience high or extreme levels of pressure or stress, with men also experiencing high levels of stress, with 84% of participants stating they’d felt extreme levels of pressure. (Mental Health UK, 2024)
With that considered, it makes sense that you might feel like you’re losing yourself!
Signs you might be feeling disconnected from yourself
So, how do you know you’re disconnected? It’s not like you’re physically going to start separating, so it might help to look for some of the following signs:
- Always putting others first
- Forgetting what brings you joy
- Struggling to make decisions
- Feeling guilty for doing things for yourself
- Feeling restless, stuck or invisible
- Low mood, lethargic, lacking in motivation
Gentle first steps to reconnect with yourself
If you feel like you’re losing yourself and have found yourself nodding along with this blog post, there are things that you can do to start reconnecting with yourself again. It may take some time, but gently taking some steps to rekindle that spark, and get back to feeling more you, will always be worth it.
First off, take time to pause and notice what’s going on. This could look different, depending on what appeals to you. For some, it might be journaling or mindfulness.Taking a few minutes here and there to slow down and think about how you feel, or just to breathe. It might be that you just take 5 minutes to breathe and to internally check in!
Secondly, allow yourself to let small joys matter. You don’t have to go wild on a happiness hunt. Doing something that’s just for you could be as simple as a cup of tea, a short walk, or you can go bigger with a creative project. Maybe you love DIY, and the corner of your landing needs sprucing up. It’s about finding what works for you.
Reconnect with your values. What matters most to you right now? Friends, romance? Being a good parent? Working on your health? What feels right for you? What makes you smile? (If you aren’t sure, what made you smile when you were younger? Could you explore those things?)
Finally, without any apology, learn to say NO. It’s important to recognise that you are allowed to decline requests without feeling as though you need to apologise for your decision. Saying no is a vital part of maintaining your self-respect and establishing healthy boundaries in your life.
Many people find it difficult to say no because they worry about disappointing others or being seen as rude. However, it’s important to recognise that prioritising your own needs and well-being is not selfish; it’s a form of self-care! By saying no, you are asserting your right to make choices that align with your values and limits. This can be a vital step in reconnecting with yourself, rather than bending like Play-Doh to meet everyone else’s wants and needs.
Boundaries are so important for your wellbeing. But also for fostering respectful relationships with those around you. So the next time you feel pressured to comply with a request that doesn’t sit well with you, remind yourself that saying no is not just acceptable, it’s necessary for your personal growth and self-respect. Embrace the power of your own voice, and don’t hesitate to use it.
How can therapy support you?
Whilst you can definitely take lots of steps to rediscover yourself, having someone to support you can help! Therapy sessions provide you a space to explore who you are beyond ‘just being mum’ or your job title. It can be liberating to examine the expectations you feel or think you should be feeling, but aren’t sure fit right for you.
Having a supportive environment where you aren’t judged allows you to untangle your thoughts and feelings and build the confidence to pursue what genuinely feels right for you. Some clients find that they can learn to trust themselves and their own judgment again after feeling scared to be their authentic selves. In a world where we often feel pressure to present ourselves online or in public, calming strategies can alleviate some of that stress. You can find your version of peace again.
Identifying and unpicking unhealthy relationship patterns can help restore your sense of autonomy. Whatever challenges you face, you don’t have to figure it out alone. I’m here to sit beside you and help untangle the knots so you can reconnect with your true self.
If you recognise yourself in this post and you’d like a safe space to explore who you are, and who you want to become, therapy can help. I offer 121 counselling online and in person in Southend-On-Sea. You can find out more here.
Feeling lost doesn’t mean that you’re broken or that there’s anything wrong with you. It’s often a sign of growth, transition or just tough times. With some small steps, you can come back to yourself.
References:
Mental Health UK (2024). Burnout. [online] Mental Health UK. Available at: https://mentalhealth-uk.org/burnout/.