Love thyself. What a sentence. But with Valentine’s Day tomorrow, there’s a lot out at the moment focused on love. Romantic love. Family love. Finding your ‘one true love’. That can often feel impossible. Loving yourself can also feel really hard sometimes.
So how do you love yourself, even when you’re finding it hard? Many people seek support through therapy because they’re having a hard time loving themselves, or liking themself. Or simply because they aren’t really even sure who they are – and if you don’t know yourself, how on earth can you love someone you don’t really know?!
How do I love myself?
Loving yourself can mean different things at different points in life. For the purpose of this blog post, let’s assume you’re having a bit of a hard time and you’re finding it difficult to feel positive about yourself. In which case, loving yourself could mean practising some acceptance. Accepting where you are in your life right now and how you’re feeling. Even if you don’t like how you’re feeling. Giving yourself the kindness and compassion to say, “Okay, this is where I’m at,” can be an act of love.
Sometimes loving yourself takes the form of small actions, looking after yourself and your health through doing things, whether that is physical care, movement, taking showers and considering your basic needs like food and rest, or setting aside time to reflect, think, meditate, and be mindful.
It could be taking a break.
Sometimes it’s saying no to things that don’t make you happy.
It might be stopping the thoughts that lead you to compare yourself to others.
Giving yourself the space to really look inwards and consider what you actually need and want can be an act of love.
What happens when you aren’t loving yourself?
When you think about how you treat yourself and talk to yourself now, is it with an inner voice of kindness, or one full of self-judgement, beating yourself up for things you did or didn’t do? Is this voice one that is creating a sense of shame or self-criticism or one of encouragement and kindness? What might it be if it were more loving?
Maybe there are things you do that you enjoy – or used to do and would like to get back to, often, when life is busy or stressful – the joy-filled moments can take a backseat. But as human beings, we all need a little joy. If you consider capacity for stress, a bit like having a bucket that needs a release valve, the joy-filled moments can often help stop stress levels from rising. But, a brilliant analogy that came about through client work is a see-saw, if we don’t keep a good amount of fun and self-love in our life, the other end of the see-saw, if you can visualise, can become weighed down with stress, misery, self-loathing, responsibilities, until suddenly, you are stuck, in the air, with your legs dangling!
So, although you are unlikely to be literally stranded atop a see-saw, things can get uncomfortable when there’s a lack of self-love or self-acceptance. This can look different for everyone, but it might show up as a lack of self-confidence, anxiety, or a sense that you aren’t important to yourself or others.
So, how does therapy help with loving yourself?
It’s different for different people – but just the very act of seeking support is an act of loving yourself. It’s a decision you make to do something for yourself, to look after yourself! That’s huge.
Just deciding to do something for an hour a week, where you are the focus, and having another human there just for you can make a massive impact. It can feel a little bit scary or intimidating to begin with, especially if you haven’t been at the top of your priority list for a while, and that can take some getting used to. But the very act of getting used to being a priority can help change how you feel about yourself, too.
Therapy sessions can highlight the things that don’t feel good. And the things that do! Shining a spotlight on these areas can give you the information you need to act. Hearing your thoughts and feelings out loud can sometimes be the starting point for making changes. Little by little, you might start to feel more empowered. More encouraged. More able to do what feels right for you.
When you enter a therapeutic relationship, it’s not conditional; it’s not based on you being anything or anyone other than yourself. You will be treated with respect and kindness, without having to prove anything or live upto any expectations. This can also be a great way to start allowing yourself to just ‘be’. And to feel seen and cared for, just for being yourself.
What next?
You might want to continue exploring this topic on your own or by weaving self-care into your routines. If you’re looking for inspiration, you can download a list of 50 different self-care ideas here.
There are other blog posts you can read, or you might like to explore this in sessions, in which case, you can reach out to see if we’re a good fit.