Shame and not feeling good enough: what it is, how it arrives, and what to do next
Hello, Shame!
A lecturer of mine once told me, “Shame is the most destructive feeling of all”, and it stuck with me.
I have sat with that expression and held it in mind whilst exploring my own shame and noticing it in clients. Shame really is destructive.
I wanted to reflect on shame, how it impacts us, and how, through welcoming shame in, exploring the parts of us that are wounded, it can help shine a light on what we need.
Shame can destroy us.
Not always on the outside, but often like something eating away. Slowly. Insidious. That’s the perfect word for it. Like wooden furniture slowly being eroded.
How does shame arrive?
When I consider my own and clients’ experiences of shame, it’s not something that simply appears. You don’t wake up one morning and simply feel shame. It takes time. There are subconscious and unconscious expectations that go unmet, or unwritten ‘rules’ of life that get broken by circumstance, reality or change. The quiet “shoulds” or “should haves” that weigh down on you all bring a little more shame along with them. Until it becomes so heavy that you cannot help but notice it.
Shame is often a feeling that quietly holds you back. You might notice feeling like you can’t do certain things. That hobby you always wanted to try? The job you could apply for, but don’t. You feel yourself pull away from opportunity, friends or parts of life.
What is the impact of unconfronted shame?
When shame is allowed to take root, it festers. Bringing feelings of embarrassment, disgrace and shrinking yourself. When clients share stories connected to shame, there is often a sense of ‘not-enough-ness’ connected. Unspoken narratives of stories written long ago that have, untouched, grown like weeds in their minds. Perhaps you too have similar stories that have taken root.
These stories might be a family tradition to work in a particular field, and you don’t. Or an aunt’s impression that success is marrying young. Your teacher told you that you’d never amount to anything, and now you’re too scared to try.
Shame in your day-to-day life
You might not consciously be walking around thinking, “I feel ashamed” – but you might notice things like feelings of needing to work harder than anyone else – to almost prove that you are good enough. In relationships, you may avoid conflict or feel like you are nice to everyone, working extra hard to be appealing, pleasing or approved of – because rejection would sting too much. The underlying feeling of not being good enough, or not quite worthy, might be the thing stopping you from feeling like you can truly be yourself. By the same token, maybe you’re not sure what it means to be yourself because you’ve spent so long ensuring that you are ‘likeable’ that you’re not sure what you like anymore! Going ‘with the flow’ and what’s ‘on-trend’ or ‘in’ can sometimes feel like floating along a river until you’ve lost touch with ‘you’.
You might notice yourself feeling uncomfortable making choices, feeling embarrassed or flushed if put on the spot. This could feel like a heaviness, or even a sinking feeling in your stomach. You might question whether your decisions are ‘the right ones’ -even when it’s something small like choosing dinner, an activity or the next move at work for your team.
Sometimes shame is linked to our upbringing, and I often see it in my work linked to Childhood Emotional Neglect – feelings of not being good enough, trying to work harder to gain approval, or perfectionist tendencies linked to seeking parental approval. You can read more about CEN here.
For some people, making choices at work feels far more comfortable and safe – but within their own lives, the feeling of judgement or pressure feels far more personal. There are fewer rules and constraints; what could feel like freedom instead feels difficult.
When shame gets confronted, what happens?
You might not get to walk up to shame and tell it to go away overnight – but often, small changes happen. You choose something and feel good about it. A friend notices that you seem more confident. You come to session excited to share an experience that you didn’t feel you could manage a few weeks ago.
You might start to feel less worried about what other people think. You’re able to feel fear and do things anyway. You notice that you’re able to be ‘more yourself’ without feeling so anxious anymore.
Shame shrinks. It takes a backseat. You move to the driving seat.
I want to explore this – what next?
If you’ve been reading along and thinking, I feel like I might want to talk about this, I’d love to hear from you. I know it can feel scary to take that step, but I offer a free initial chat to ensure we’re a good fit.
You can get in touch using the button below for sessions online or in person in Rayleigh or Southend in Essex.
