People-pleaser isn’t a personality trait – it could be a hangover from childhood.

Do you feel like you’re a ‘bit of a people-pleaser’ yet you can’t seem to stop it? 

This post might be for you if you find yourself explaining, “I’m a bit of a people-pleaser”. You might try to let people know there’s a reason why you’re burnt out, and can’t seem to stop taking more and more on. I notice it’s often used to explain away the tendency to not stick up for ourselves, even when deep down, you know you’d be in your rights to do so! Have you ever found yourself doing that?

You might notice that you use that phrase when you meet new people, get into relationships or even when starting new roles or on new teams at work. It could be a way of breaking the ice or explaining your over-extended kindness. You might find it helps ease the awkward feeling that you’re ‘doing too much’. You might tell people that you’re ‘a bit of a people-pleaser’ in the hopes that they then won’t take advantage. Or to explain to them that that’s what you feel is happening, so that they don’t judge you for doing more than them. There might even be a part of you that can feel you are doing more than is required, but can’t seem to stop, and you want them to understand! 

How to recognise being a people-pleaser?

Everyone is different, but something I have been thinking about more recently is how often I see people worrying about what others think. You might see it more online. Perhaps it’s something that you’ve noticed yourself. Posting more to try and get ‘likes’ or changing what you’re doing or wearing. You might feel low if you don’t feel like you’re getting enough engagement on social media. If you’re not keeping up with the latest trends. 

You might even find yourself staying quiet about your actual opinions or thoughts, because it’s easier to keep the peace, or it doesn’t feel like it will go down well, so you just agree with the people around you in case they don’t agree or like what you’ve got to say. 

These kinds of behaviours often serve to keep you feeling safe, comfortable and give you a sense of belonging – all makes sense. They often start earlier in life when you might have felt like love, affection or safety – being part of your family or friendship group might have relied on being someone who ‘went with the flow’. They’re a protective shield against criticism or being left out! 

text on a paper plate

What is people-pleasing? 

People-pleasing goes beyond just being kind or nice and becomes a habitual behaviour or putting others’ needs or opinions above your own. It can secure approval from others, avoid any confrontation or conflict and feel like it prevents rejection. Whilst it comes from a good place, it can lead to bubbling resentment, neglecting yourself, and really be quite stressful! 

It’s a really common behaviour and often goes hand in hand with more anxious attachments, where there is a need to make others think favourably of us. This helps to maintain a sense of connection.

How do you end up being a people-pleaser?

People-pleasing can arise for all kinds of reasons; it’s often associated with having low self-esteem or low self-worth, so being kind to others can help gain a sense of validation and usefulness. It helps to gain positive feelings from others and maintain a sense of peace and calm. 

This can also align with it being a fawning response to trauma – when you think of trauma, you might have heard of fight, flight, freeze and even flop – to fight the predator, get away from, stay still, play dead/get stuck. The fawn response is one where I often suggest imagining Bambi – the doe-eyed deer who is incredibly sweet and nice. If you are nice to the predator, they may be nice to you. 

The fawn response can sometimes come from childhood and earlier life experiences as a way to avoid confrontation, rejection, and humiliation. If you were made to feel responsible for others’ feelings and behaviours, making yourself small, not having any of your own needs or opinions, and keeping the peace becomes a tool that keeps you safe.

As you grow and develop, your nervous system may begin to interpret all situations in this way, cultivating the people-pleasing response as an automatic response in all relationships or scenarios that feel similar, even if as an adult, you are safe to express and share opinions, it may not feel that way. This is where the therapeutic relationship can help to practice new skills and ways of being, allowing the initial discomfort and taking those skills into your everyday life. 

Signs of people-pleasing as an adult as a result of childhood trauma

As mentioned above, the fawn response can often be a trauma response, where your nervous system has learned that people-pleasing can bring safety. But there are lots of other things that may indicate people-pleasing behaviours, these could include:

How does people-pleasing impact you and your life?

When people-pleasing behaviours are present throughout your life, you might find that you feel taken advantage of quite often. This can be really common in relationships. Struggling to set boundaries or to feel clear about what is and isn’t important can lead to feelings of anger and guilt towards yourself. Or wondering how you even ended up in certain scenarios – because they don’t feel like things you really want to be doing, yet it’s difficult to say no! 

You might find yourself feeling as though you’re riding a wave and can’t seem to get off, or like you want more control over your own life. I often think about how it can feel as though you know what you want, but still feel pulled or pushed between things or people. There can be a lot of fear involved, particularly if the fawn response comes from early childhood, where protest, conflict or standing up for yourself led to negative consequences, and the fight response almost shuts down – when there is no place for your own sense of self, or assertiveness; how are you meant to practice and learn to speak up for your own wants and needs? 

As an adult, this could look like coming across as shy or passive. But it might feel like you’re easy to manipulate, because you don’t want to upset others. Feeling as though you aren’t worth being heard, or your interests or feelings taken into account, can also accentuate feelings of low self-esteem, making you feel worse. 

Can you stop being a people-pleaser? 

Breaking the cycle of people-pleasing is achievable with small, compassionate steps. Whilst it’s not my role to tell you what to do, I can share some ideas. Only you will know what feels right for you. You might start by practising self-awareness; notice when you feel the urge to put others first and ask if it’s necessary. It’s okay to say no and prioritise your own needs. Surround yourself with supportive friends who respect your boundaries and encourage your growth. Celebrate each choice to be authentic over seeking approval, as these moments empower you. Your worth is based on being true to yourself, not on how much you do for others. With time and kindness, you can cultivate a lasting sense of freedom and self-acceptance.

You’re not alone in this; there are so many people from all kinds of walks of life who struggle with this in some areas of their lives. 

What if I want help with this?

If you feel like you’re done introducing yourself as ‘a bit of a people-pleaser’ and you’d like some support, and feel like therapy could be a space where you can talk things through and benefit from someone on your side, I offer a free 15-minute discovery call. You can book here. 

Hannah Campbell is a psychotherapist based in Southend-on-Sea, working online and in person. She specialises in trauma and childhood emotional neglect. 

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