Feeling lonely in a relationship?
How childhood experiences might be part of the picture
When a good relationship still doesn’t feel like enough
Most of us go into relationships, and into parenthood, with hopes. Sometimes those hopes are rooted in the gaps we felt in our own childhoods, the things we wanted more of and are determined to provide. Sometimes they come from genuinely positive experiences we want to recreate, close bonds, fun memories, holiday traditions, all that jazz. We arrive with our own stories, our own ideas about how things should look, and then we merge those stories with someone else’s.
And sometimes, even in a good, stable relationship, something still feels like it’s missing. It can feel difficult to understand what’s happening, and hopefully this blog post can help explore some of that. It’s not definitive, nor can it say for sure that this is what you are feeling, but if it lands, it’s okay to feel curious about your experiences and to reflect on whether you might want to explore it further.
When parenting brings it all to the surface
You might not have noticed certain things about your partner until children came along. The person who was easygoing and fun can suddenly show up differently in moments of high stress: a different voice, a different tone, body language you haven’t quite seen from them before. Approaches to discipline, boundaries, routines, all of these things can look very different depending on what each of you grew up with.
Maybe nobody ever thought to have those conversations before the children arrived. And now you’re navigating them with a lack of sleep, busy schedules, different budgets, and the constant pressure of trying to meet everyone else’s needs whilst also meeting each other’s and your own.
It can be really difficult to suddenly see your partner in a different light. And when those differences feel rooted in something deep, something neither of you quite has language for yet, it can feel hard to even know where to begin.
Feeling lonely in a good relationship
Loneliness inside a comfortable relationship is far more common than we are led to believe. With the way social media works, it can be easy to feel like everyone else is getting on fine, but we only ever see the highlight reels of other people’s lives, not the stressful mornings, the disagreements, or the mess. All people have ups and downs, low moments and difficult feelings.
Sometimes loneliness grows out of high-stress periods, or a slow drift in communication. Not always a dramatic falling out, just a gradual sense of not quite knowing where you fit anymore.
It might be that you both have different ways of feeling loved, and those needs aren’t quite being met. When young children are in the picture, so much attention, time and energy goes into making sure they feel safe and loved, and with that can come very little left over for each other as a couple.
For those who feel most loved through physical touch, a lack of closeness can become a real trigger for loneliness, something sometimes described as feeling touch-starved. For those who feel most loved through words of affirmation or quality conversation, the loss of that time together can be just as quietly devastating. Day to day, that can slowly erode confidence and contentment in ways that are hard to name.
Chasing a feeling you can’t quite land on
If you grew up feeling like you were chasing the love, attention or affection of a parent, that feeling can linger under the surface long into adulthood. It might not always be obvious. But it can be exacerbated by periods of stress or disconnection in your relationships, surfacing as a sense of always reaching for something, never quite feeling settled or reassured, even when things are mostly okay.
As children, we each had different needs that were met, or not met. When two people come together, they bring both of those stories with them. Sometimes those stories complement each other. Sometimes they bump up against each other in ways that can feel confusing or frustrating, one person looking to repair something from their past, the other trying to hold firmer boundaries, each with their own vision for how things should be.
The push and pull of wanting to be close whilst feeling uncomfortable with vulnerability is one of the most common dynamics in relationships. And it can show up in all kinds of ways, from those who feel relatively secure and are happy to go with the flow, to those who have become almost hyper-independent, having learnt early on that they could really only rely on themselves.
All of these different histories and ways of relating affect how we communicate and what we need from the people around us. None of it makes anyone the villain of the story.
Noticing your part in it
It’s often the moment of noticing a repeating pattern that brings people into therapy. The same arguments surfacing again. A familiar frustration. The sense that you’ve tried different things to feel happier and you’re still somehow missing the mark, without quite being able to understand why.
We aren’t given guidebooks to the other humans we share our lives and homes with. We learn more about them, and about ourselves, through the relationships themselves. And in doing so, we continue to grow.
Turning to therapy to learn more about yourself can often help with that process, giving you tools to understand your own story a little better, and perhaps to be a better human for yourself and for each other.
If any of this has resonated, it might be worth getting curious about what your own story might be telling you. I offer a free 15-minute discovery call, just a conversation, no pressure. You can book yours here.