You might be wondering how childhood trauma affects adult relationships. Many people notice that their relationships seem to follow patterns, and that there are often the same repeating patterns, familiar behaviours that they see over and over again. It may be that they choose similar partners, feel unseen or unheard. Sometimes people feel like they’re giving too much of themselves, at work, at home, with friends. If you’ve ever wondered why you react the way you do, or also why relationships feel harder than they “should,” you’re not alone.
Your early experiences in life often teach you how to connect with others, to protect yourself and survive. These lessons aren’t always conscious, but often lie lower in your subconscious, repeated patterns that we learn in childhood in interaction and attachment. Those lessons can linger well into adulthood, even the ones you aren’t aware of.
Throughout this post, I will refer to this as how childhood trauma affects adult relationships – the use of the word trauma can be a little bit intimidating – but in this instance, it refers to an emotional response to something that could have been overwhelming, distressing, or just too much to process as a young person. There is a bigger meaning or explanation, but for this post, you may consider it to be a singular event or repeated experiences that have had a lasting effect.
How childhood shapes the way we relate to others
Our early relationships teach us all about what love is, what it looks like. As a child you experience what safety and belonging are based on your surroundings and the care that is or isn’t given to you.
For example:
- A child who had to keep the peace at home may grow into an adult who avoids conflict.
- A child who felt unseen and unheard might overcompensate by people-pleasing.
- A child who was constantly criticised may struggle to feel “good enough.”
Reading through those examples, you might be able to see how these patterns can then show up in adult relationships. For instance, the child who kept the peace may stay out of work arguments. The child who felt unseen may enter romantic relationships, doing everything that they can to make their partner happy. Even sacrificing their own needs or finding it hard to speak up about what they want.
Various theories exist regarding attachment and the ways we form connections with different people in our lives. From John Bowlby’s work on attachment styles to the Gottmans’ research on relationships, there is a consensus that much of what we learn about being in relationships is rooted in our childhood experiences. There are many different ways to begin understanding relationship patterns. You may be considering how childhood trauma affects adult relationships, if you had trauma within your childhood, or if there are simply experiences that have impacted you.
Recognising the signs that old patterns are still in play
There are often things that pop up in your relationships that give you a gut feeling – a feeling that is part of your inner wisdom, an intuitive knowing that comes from within you. You might just ‘know’ that this is your way of understanding relationship patterns. These signs could include:
- Overthinking what others think of you
- Finding it hard to say no or express your own needs
- Feeling responsible for other people’s moods.
- Choosing emotionally unavailable partners.
- Feeling anxious when things feel “too calm.”
The turning point
People develop all kinds of patterns in childhood to meet needs in different ways. These patterns were protective; they developed for a reason. It makes sense sometimes that these same patterns don’t have the desired effects and balance when you reach adulthood.
All the different mechanisms you used in childhood worked for you—they may have included being overly upset to gain the attention of busy working parents. This met the need for care and attention—as a child, this would have been a protective pattern. Perhaps withdrawing and turning inward and meeting your own needs shielded you from the disappointment of not getting enough love in a family with many siblings.
There may be different things that, as you reflect, you notice are part of the patterns you have developed through life that you now feel aren’t working for you, or aren’t having the desired outcomes. or perhaps you feel that something isn’t quite righ,t but you’re not exactly sure what it is that’s going on. Sometimes talking things through can bring these things into your awareness. Growing an understanding of how you are feeling is often the first step towards change.
When people talk things through in therapy, you might feel like you are ‘blaming’ things on your past, your family or friends or relationship partners. Therapy isn’t about blame or finding someone to point the finger at. Exploring how you are feeling and what is and isn’t working is about gaining a deeper understanding of yourself, along with learning what does make you feel safe, and how you can be yourself.
Healing the impact and building healthier connections
Healing looks different to everyone. But if you’re looking to understand how childhood trauma affects adult relationships, you might be exploring some of those experiences in sessions. It could be that you want to come and explore how your life has been shaped by talking through different things that stand out to you. Having a safe space to do that means that there’s no judgment. It’s a space to talk things through confidentially, and learn to identify your needs and boundaries as you go.
Having someone kind to talk to, who will just listen can really help. The practice of regularly sharing in sessions builds a sense of trust in yourself, and can give you the skills to be kinder to yourself.
As you continue on that therapy journey, hearing yourself talk, feeling heard and seen, you start to develop new ways of relating. The outcome of growing a therapeutic relationship is often being able to connect differently; the relationship itself becomes a practice ground for being calmer, more confident. It’s a space where you can practice being yourself and then take those tools out into the world beyond the therapy session.
Childhood experiences affect your relationships, and you want to work on it?
If you’re noticing these patterns in your relationships and want to feel more connected, that makes sense. Maybe you want to understand where they come from? Therapy could help you to start making changes that last.
If you’re not ready for therapy right now, you might like to reflect on your own. You can use journaling or talk things through with a close friend.
If you’d like to book a free consultation to work together online or locally in Southend-On-Sea, I’d love to hear from you. You can book a call here: