If you’re wondering what happens when you stop trying to keep everyone happy, you might feel like you’re holding everything together. Perhaps you feel pressured to be nice all the time, or maybe you struggle to say no, fearing you might upset those around you.
You’re not alone in this. A common reason people seek counselling is that something in their relationships or lives feels off. Or they want to change but are afraid it might upset the people they care about. Change can indeed be intimidating!
The purpose of this blog post isn’t to dictate what you should do or to suggest that change won’t disrupt anyone. Rather, I hope to reassure you that everyone goes through changes, and you have every right to seek support if you’re looking to make changes in your life.
At the heart of person-centred theory is the concept of self-actualisation. According to Carl Rogers, every living being is driven by a need to grow, develop, and fulfil its potential. This means we are all continually moving toward greater complexity and self-development, even when life gets challenging. We all aspire to be the best versions of ourselves. In therapy sessions, this is why I am led by clients. It’s your inner wisdom and knowledge that allows you to heal. I provide a supportive space where you can explore what feels right for you.
We see this drive in various ways: when seeds are planted and reach for the light, as children learn to walk, and as adults navigate difficult times and find new ways to live. It’s all around us.
So, without me turning this into a theory lesson – let’s look at what’s happening.
What actually happens when you stop keeping everyone happy?
If you’ve been leaning towards keeping everything nice, smoothing things over, you may have been working overtime to make sure everyone else has what they need from you – or sacrificing your own needs and wants along the way.
There are many reasons why this might be happening; too many to cover in one blog post, so for today, let’s just look at what happens when you are leaning towards being nice to everyone, and you’ve had enough of coming last on your to-do list.
Sometimes, this slows or stops when you’re in therapy, sometimes before, sometimes after. But it can be a bit of a shock to the people around you whenever it happens.
When you stop keeping everyone happy, you stop playing the same role for them that you’d previously played.
This might mean that you:
- Stop agreeing to things you don’t want to do
- Stop taking care of things that aren’t your responsibility
- Start delegating tasks to prevent yourself from burning out
- Are less flexible with your time
- Want to pursue other interests, friends or experiences
This might be uncomfortable for others, but it doesn’t mean it’s wrong for you to carve out time, energy, or care for yourself.
Sometimes it can be really tough to stick to – especially when other people are adjusting to changes in how you relate to each other. Some people feel guilty or anxious about upsetting others. These feelings are all normal feelings. Rarely does anyone want to intentionally upset someone else. But if you aren’t setting out to do things differently to be unkind or malicious, it’s okay for things to change. (Of course, this is an overview, and cannot account for any specific situation)
Where does therapy come in?
Therapy can be whatever you need it to be. It’s a space for you. You can talk. Or you can vent. You can shout, cry, or laugh. Yes, it can be somewhere to laugh about things, too.
If you are feeling unsure about making changes, having someone to talk to can be really helpful. Therapy sessions aren’t about giving you an opinion, but giving you a clear space. No judgement. Just a listening ear so that you can really think things through, have someone else feed back supportively, so that you can weed through all the thoughts and feelings and really get a feel for what’s important to you. When you’ve got clarity on what you want and need, it can feel easier to act on that, without being weighed down.
Sometimes, old belief systems built up over a lifetime shape what you should or shouldn’t do. Some of these are helpful; others are not so much. Having time to decide for yourself without anyone pressuring you or telling you what they think you should do can also give you time to think.
For me, and in the way I work with clients, therapy sessions can be the milestones on a journey that keep you going. That allows you to check in, to get a sense of how you feel and how you want to carry on. Sometimes this starts out more frequently to build momentum, then slows to more infrequent sessions as you go away, reflect, and implement in your life.
What next?
If this has landed somewhere significant for you, you may want to take some time to reflect on the following:
- Where in my life do I feel like I have to stay “nice” at my own expense?
- What am I afraid might happen if I did do things differently?
- What feels important to me, even if I’m not quite ready to act on it yet?
Just noticing these things can be a really meaningful step.
And if you’d like support whilst making sense of it all, therapy can be a place to explore it at your own pace. You’re welcome to learn more about working with me here. Or, if it feels helpful, you can get in touch or arrange a short, no-pressure chat here.