If you’re wondering why setting boundaries is so hard, I’ve written this blog post to help explore some of the reasons together.
Setting boundaries, being able to say no or speak up for yourself, is a topic that comes up a lot when clients are looking to work on themselves. And there are loads of reasons why boundaries feel uncomfortable for different people. You might find yourself agreeing to things you don’t want to do, or feeling anxious before saying no. If you do manage to put your foot down, you might then spend ages worrying that you’ve upset someone! Replaying conversations afterwards and thinking about all the different ways it might go. It’s enough to make anyone feel anxious, but it can weigh really heavily on you.
So many people tell me that they know they need boundaries, but still struggle to set them. So why does something that seems simple feel so difficult?
What are boundaries actually meant to do?
The term boundaries is thrown around a lot these days, and I think that sometimes that in itself can get a bit confusing. It’s not as simple as just saying no to things, and boundaries are not about controlling other people.
A bit like the barriers alongside roads, they’re there to keep things on track and keep people safe.
They can help you to:
- Protect your time and energy
- Communicate your limits
- Create safety and structure
- Maintain healthy relationships
- Define roles and responsibilities
Boundaries can exist in all kinds of relationships, between people, organisations, and within the law, like speed limits! Sometimes they can be misunderstood as being harsh or selfish, but when used well, consistently, they can help people to communicate and connect better.
Why can boundaries feel so uncomfortable?
Everyone is different, so why they feel uncomfortable can be different for everyone, but as an overview, there are often emotional reactions that come up when setting boundaries.
For some people, there is a level of guilt or anxiety – this could go hand in hand with thoughts like “Have I upset them?” or “What if they don’t like me?” or worries about if you have made a mistake, made someone unhappy with you – there can be fear bubbling away under the surface.
You might feel a fear of conflict, or rejection – that by not being agreeable, going along with things, or just accepting the status quo, you are rocking the boat. If you have had experiences in life where it wasn’t okay to disagree, have a different opinion or want to do something other than what was on offer, there were consequences to that. Doing things differently and having boundaries around your own needs, wants, and comfort can feel incredibly nerve-wracking. It’s hard!
How childhood experiences shape patterns
Building on those emotional reactions – they’re often the leftovers from childhood experiences.
If you felt like you couldn’t say no because your parents wouldn’t react well. You might have felt like you needed to keep the peace. It’s easier just to say yes. So anytime you’re faced with a choice, it gets harder to say no. This continues. Somewhere down the line, you realise you don’t actually know what you want. Or feel like you can suggest something you’d like. Because the fear of getting a negative response overrides the impulse to do something different.
Maybe there was stuff going on that meant you got praised for being so ‘easy going’ – this is often seen in busy families, or dynamics where there are family members with health needs, or difficulties, being the ‘easy’ or ‘well-behaved’ child becomes the thing that gains you attention, praise, and celebration. It’s human nature to enjoy being well-thought of, and it can become your superpower. You’re the good kid. The laid-back one.
Perhaps you had to take on more responsibility because you were the eldest sibling; there’s a combination of not having a choice and gaining the praise for being so well-behaved, so organised, and so you learn to keep quiet.
In your friendship group, did you end up nodding along? Going with louder characters’ ideas, or not wanting to ’cause a fight’, so you just went with the flow. Sometimes this means you’ve not really explored what you wanted, so you just keep going along with it; it’s still fun, so what does it matter? It’s all good. Right?
These and many more experiences from childhood can end up teaching you that keeping others comfortable is safer than expressing your own needs.
Why insight alone doesn’t change the pattern immediately
Even if you already understand boundaries intellectually, you might find yourself stuck. It’s frustrating – you understand the concept, so why are you still feeling anxious?
When you’ve been emotionally conditioned to be agreeable, not to stray from the pre-determined route, stepping out of line can be like waving a red flag at your nervous system, telling it to panic.
Your relational safety can be threatened when stepping out of your comfort zone; understandably, changing your habits can be nerve-racking.
Even when it makes sense to set a boundary at work or in a romantic relationship, it can still feel intimidating and scary. This is why it often feels easier to tolerate a situation that makes you unhappy; the fear of the unknown can be more daunting than the discomfort of staying in a familiar but unsatisfying situation. Better the devil you know!
How therapy helps people build healthier boundaries
Beyond just understanding the concept and framework of boundaries, what they are and how they work, therapy helps you to explore. When you’ve got a safe, supportive space to really delve into who you are and how you got to where you are, you can understand where your patterns began.
As you continue to build on your relationship in therapy and discuss what’s going on for you, you’ll recognise the feelings that come up for you in relationships, both with your therapist and in other areas. You’ll start spotting guilt without automatically obeying it. Noticing fear without having to freeze. And, developing skills to self-soothe and stay with the anxiousness, and being able to express yourself and your needs more openly.
As time passes, you practice expressing your needs in different ways, feeling confident in asking for what you want. Start feeling safe to express yourself. More comfortable in the knowledge that it’s okay to have your own opinions, desires and dreams in life.
In reflection:
If this post has you thinking about the things that leave you feeling guilty or anxious, and you’d like to talk it through and explore whether there are deeper patterns in your life, please feel free to reach out.