So we’re going to talk today about what you can do when someone pushes back on your boundaries. I want you to start with acknowledging how hard it can be to actually start setting boundaries when it’s new, it’s really hard too.
For the people around you, the fact that you’re setting boundaries is also new! So, push back is common. It doesn’t necessarily mean though that you setting a boundary is the wrong thing to do but for the people who are used to you maybe accommodating them being more inclined to do what they want this is going to feel uncomfortable they want you to go back to the old version of yourself where they got what they wanted so I once take this time and this moment really reassure you that the discomfort that you’re feeling because they are uncomfortable doesn’t mean that you have done something bad.
What might it feel like when someone pushes back?
You might notice that you have a rush of almost guilt or panic. You might feel like you’ve done some things wrong or hurt someone, even physically, and there might be this urge to quickly backtrack or over-explain yourself in the hope that if you can help them understand, they will be more on side with your boundary. the other things that you might notice in your body are feeling quite warm almost like a heat rising your chest might become tighter and you may even have a bit of a racing heart this is an adrenaline moment can you hold this the inner voice might be showing up with that inner critic of your being selfish or they’ll leave if you don’t give in this real I have to keep everyone happy feeling might be noticeable.
Why this happens:
- It’s often a nervous system response that’s linked to fawning or people pleasing
- You may have activated past attachment wounds. Boundaries can do this, especially if you were taught that love had to be earned or that conflict equals danger
- Your body is doing its best to protect you. But you’re not weak or broken for feeling this way; it’s normal.
Knowing that this can happen can help you to stay calm and self-regulate. I’ll include some tips below on how you might be able to do this, and I’ll even add a link so that you can download these to use in your own time!
How to self-regulate in the moment
If you’re still questioning what to do when someone pushes back on your boundaries, being able to stay calm and reassure yourself is important. You might want to think about doing the following, or you can click and download a guide to try this out in your own time:
Click here to download your own free self-regulation guide
1. Pause before reacting
- Give yourself a moment before responding to the pushback.
- Take one slow breath in for 4, out for 6.
2. Name what’s happening
- Silently say to yourself: “This is my nervous system reacting. I am safe right now.”
- Validate your discomfort without letting it drive your actions.
3. Anchor yourself physically
- Press your feet into the ground.
- Hold your own hand or place it over your heart.
- Use grounding: look around and name 3 things you can see, 2 things you can feel, 1 thing you can hear.
4. Come back to your ‘why’
- Remind yourself: “I set this boundary because I matter too.”
- Keep a mantra in your head: “It’s okay if they don’t like it. I’m still allowed to take care of myself.”
Reframe the pushback
Still feeling unsure about what to do when someone pushes back on your boundaries? Once you’re able to stay calm and hold your own in the face of people pushing back against your boundaries, you can reframe this to recognise that their discomfort doesn’t mean your boundary is wrong; it may also just be new for them. You are not responsible for their feelings, only your delivery. Something new when you’re starting to set boundaries is the idea that you can be kind as well as firm. Saying no does not make you unkind, and whilst I’m sure that this might feel like an alien concept, I can assure you that it does get easier.
You might want to practice some responses with things along the lines of:
“I hear that this is difficult for you, and I’m still not able to say yes”
“I understand it’s frustrating, but this is my answer”
“This isn’t about punishing you, it’s about taking care of me.”
I wonder what it feels like for you as you read these responses. Is there a sense of awkwardness or apprehension? If you keep reading them and keep practicing, does that apprehension lower slightly?
You might like to take some time and sit with that feeling, to explore what it feels like to lean into it, any discomfort that comes up for you.
If you want to explore it with me – please get in touch here.
If you’d like more tips, to be notified about new articles and resources, I send out a monthly newsletter, you can join here: