So you’re struggling to trust your therapist? I wonder if it can sometimes feel difficult to discuss. How do you tell someone ‘safe’ that you don’t feel safe?! Because of that, I wanted to write about it here. It’s definitely something that lots of clients feel, and only some will bring it up. If you’ve started therapy and are feeling a bit unsure, or have previously left therapy because you found it hard to trust, gel or bond with your therapist. Read on for some ideas and reassurance that it’s a normal experience!
What does it look like when you find it hard to trust a therapist?
If you’ve started, but you’ve been a few times, either in person or online, and you don’t feel more comfortable, that could indicate difficulties trusting your therapist. If you were excited to start therapy, but can’t seem to bring yourself to talk about anything, or feel like your therapist isn’t there for you, or that it’s not safe to talk, you might be struggling to trust your therapist.
Like any relationship, getting to know someone new can often feel a little bit strange. Sometimes it’s awkward and even a bit clunky to begin with. In a therapeutic relationship, the pressure to ‘get it right’ can feel even higher. This sense of working harder than normal can exist for both parties! You want to feel safe, relaxed and comfortable, and your therapist wants that for you, too. They may also be trying to figure out if they’re the best fit for you. The initial sessions are there for both of you. It’s our job to guide you through that initial process as best as we can, so that you have a clear picture of what to expect from us.
If you aren’t sure, it can be helpful to ask what a session with them looks like, whether it is structured, or if you will go with the flow. How long will it take, and what will happen if you’re working online and the connection is lost? All of these logistical questions can help you feel more relaxed and give you a clearer idea of how the time will be spent.
All of these kinds of things can help ease the journey into building that therapeutic relationship, but sometimes, even if you’re doing all of these things, you still might find yourself feeling nervous. Despite wanting to engage in therapy, you might find it really tough to open up or let your guard down fully!
You’ve started therapy, but you’re struggling to trust your therapist…
You know that you want to be there, you’re interested in doing the work, you found the therapist yourself, and somehow, you just can’t seem to open up. You want to trust the therapist, but you just can’t.
Firstly, you may just genuinely not be a good fit for each other. You’re both human; this happens. Not everyone is your person. You don’t have to continue – you can stop. (There’s a caveat here if it’s compulsory for some reason, or not within your choosing – but for this post, let’s imagine you have some degree of choice in who you work with – I’m conscious that some don’t, for many reasons.)
Secondly, this can be a really good thing to bring to therapy. Open it up for discussion “I’m finding it really hard to talk to you” can feel really scary, but acknowledging how you’re feeling – which is completely valid- gives you space to talk about what this means together.
You may have both been feeling this, and talking about it together can give you the opportunity to get clear on what you can expect from them and the process! If you can give yourself time and listen to what they have to say and how they respond to you opening up about feeling like you don’t feel comfortable, or are having a hard time trusting them, this can be the perfect opportunity for them to be able to provide you with some reassurance and also get clear on what their approach is and if this feels right for you.
It can feel really vulnerable and scary to open up about this. If it’s helpful, you might want to think about what would make you feel safe or connected. If you don’t know – it’s okay to share that too, perhaps together, you can find small steps to try and find what does work for you.
What if there’s more to not trusting them?
There could be more to feeling like you don’t trust your therapist. If you’ve given yourself time, or maybe you’ve even tried more than one therapist, trying to find the right fit and are noticing that this is a pattern, you may want to consider:
- Have I had trust issues in other relationships?
- Is this a pattern for me?
- What is coming up for me when I try to maintain a relationship with a therapist or others?
- How do I feel about being supported?
- Do I believe that people can care about me?
If you find yourself agreeing with one or two of those, you might be having a hard time trusting in general. For many reasons, you may have adapted to not being able to trust or share. If you learned it was safer to close off, there could be cautiousness about communicating with anyone. It might feel deeply uncomfortable, even unnatural! This could mean that it’s not just therapists or counsellors specifically.
The wonderful thing about being human is that we develop all kinds of ways of existing that enable us to thrive, in whatever conditions we find ourselves in. One of the problems with this is that what was helpful for you in one situation isn’t always helpful in others.
Whilst I have a somewhat biased opinion that therapy is a great way to work on this, if you’re aware that you’re already struggling with trust, how do you find the ‘right’ person to start to do this with?! That can feel impossible at times. It can be done, though!
How to find a therapist you feel safe with
If you’re struggling to trust your therapist, or any therapist, you might want to think really carefully about what would make this feel good for you. Right now, in the relationships and friendships that you do have, which interactions do you feel most relaxed in? Who makes you feel comfortable, and what is it about them and their character that makes you feel at ease?
You could go from there, and start to think about the kind of person that you would like to work with, what would they be like? Go from there and think about whether you would like to work with someone in person, where you can be in the room with them, or if you would feel safer working online. Or even on the phone, or using a text service. You might even like to find someone who offers all of these services so that you could work your way towards being in-person. It’s your therapeutic journey, and you have a choice in what this looks like.
Now that you’ve constructed this image in your mind, you can start looking. You might use directories or membership bodies to read through some profiles. It’s a good idea to start a shortlist and narrow it down to a few that you like the sound of. (I’ve also got a whole blog post on finding a therapist that might also be helpful; you can read it here.) Once you’ve narrowed it down, you can call or email a few to get a clearer picture of who communicates in a way that you feel comfortable with. Most offer a short call or session to get an idea of whether you get on.
What next?
Once you’ve decided on a therapist and chosen someone that you initially feel safe with, you can get started! You might want to start with the idea that you feel anxious or uncomfortable in therapy, and in trusting in general. If you’re struggling to trust your therapist, that’s an ideal starting place, so that you can go from there and build on that.
If you think you’d find it useful, I’ve made a downloadable checklist for things to consider when choosing a therapist. You can download it here.
I know that it can be hard for clients to open up, and it can be strange to start talking to someone new about really personal things, which makes it even more difficult when you’re already struggling to trust people who have been in your life for a long time. Hopefully, some of what I’ve written here can help you to take those first steps towards trusting your therapist or finding someone to work with that feels right for you.
Best of luck to you on your journey,
Hannah.